A letter to my spirit

Christmas music has always brightened my spirit. As a child, my sister , brother and I joined our small cluster of neighbors at the garden lady’s house; which happened to be painted pink, and practiced Christmas carols to the tune of the piano and sometimes the saxophone. We pranced around the neighborhood and beyond ,smiling and snapping to the happy melodies before finishing the evening with caramel popcorn and hot chocolate.
My grandmother made sure to let us know at what cost she had bartered our ski passes for the year. We appeared on the slope but twice a year. I spent most of my time in the ski lodge checking out hot boys near the enchanted fireplace and the plush square cushions that made up an enormous square seating area. The times I did hit the slope I was overly concerned with how my hair looked scrunched up in the wool hat with a pom pom on the top that meme forced me to wear. I have always lived watching myself live and watching others watch me live.
Everything has been a performance, even when I write. I think to myself, will someone understand that? Do I need to tell the whole story . I write as if someone is reading over my shoulder. I want someone to say someday,” What a beautiful mind she had.” As of today it is only a curse to me, a burden. The only time I feel authentic is when I am loving, deeply.
I love my girls, my sister, Bobby, all of my family and others, some that are not here I do love still. I want to bask in the growth of my girls and my spirit, my love. I am comforted when I feel a barrier lifted, a resentment squashed, a truth revealed. Its exciting to learn.I want my girls to have warm lives. I want them to go caroling.
I want them to share my love. I am realistic in the sense that I accept that they will feel some pain. I want them to learn from their pain and more importantly I want them to pass on the cure to their sores. I wish for them to be sympathetic and driven. I hope they have strength but not so much that they push the ones who try to share burdens for them. We all need someone to care for us. My sister said to me” Everyone needs someone Nor”.
The most amazing lessons that I have learned follow extreme pain in some fashion. Human nature is wanting; also wanting connection; or to feel connected at least. If only people could delight in their thoughts as some of us do, dreams ; connection would come. Self reflection is important. My trouble is in the extreme. I watch everything, judging and guessing what will come next. I do not live in the now until I am loving. Then everything stops. I see. I love, and then the time is spattered with judgments.
I complained once that it was one thing after another in my days, the car, the kids, boyfriend, drugs, family. Someone said to me quite simply; “That is what life is.”Now, I had heard the phrase,”that’s life” before but this was different. This meant that this ongoing series of events and thoughts, emotions and people IS what happens. This smashed my ongoing theory that as soon as this or that happens, I will be able to live and happily at that.
It dawned on me that If I were to get any satisfaction out of this life ,I would have to start implementing thoughtfulness, sharing, selfless actions: all of the traits I am teaching my 2 year old. I would have to stop wasting time and start reaching for the very things that I feared. If I could find a way to love more frequently, my problem of inadequacy may fall away. I could try to make my dreams come true.
I plan to dance with my sister at Thanksgiving. I will send my thank-you notes today and I will give away something I like. Tomorrow I will give my day to my girls and give Bobby a loveletter.
I will do great things in this lifetime. I will be good to myself and to others. Thanks Mom, I will think good thoughts.